"If we stick together we can stop this shit"

Ha!
Seemingly void of a more appropriate response, laughter fills those spaces I'd much rather not attend to. While talking about the great extensors of the thigh (them gluts) I raised my hand and asked what one but cheek said to the other. It threw my teacher completely off guard and the entire class into a fit of laughter. It was quite wonderful. Sometimes I raise my hand and tell jokes in class because I dont know the answers. I have to find those answers...

But ultimately it has been a week full of those awkward spaces I dont know how to handle and get over.
Fortunately "Behavior is what a man does, not what he thinks, feels, or believes." (E. Dickinson) and feelings and thoughts dont have to be reflected in my behavior. hard though.
Grief is a strange thing and seems to manifest despite my best efforts. Everyday this week I feel like i have been grappling with some force, some strange undertow. and I didnt reach the surface until a much needed though somewhat unfufilling conversation with a girl with a few of my same blood cells, immensely dear to my heart. My eyes have been swelling, threatening tears all week. even now as I type- I hate to pull an Emily Dickinson, but I cant help but dwell for a moment in the dark.

Ugh- what kind of cryptic post is this?

All I know is I feel down trodden, frustrated, and physically, mentally, emotionally WEAK. Not depressed, but just sad. Just grappling a little- my hook will catch and I will climb out.

Its not where I am or what I am doing. "Fortune befriends the bold." (E. Dickinson) It's up to me.

I even got a hand this week. Despite my apparent academic ineptitude, I was able to help someone, some teenager who smacked his head on a pipe while skateboarding, even on its most superficial novice level, I responded to an accident directly, calmly and with some shadow of skill. It felt damn good.
"Success is counted sweetest by those who never succeed." and likewise for failure- much harder on those who dont oft face it.

There is just so much- its hard to keep up. "To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else." (Emily D.)

Ha. who knew a 9th grade literature project would rear its face at me again 7 years later. Oh Emily Dickinson.