Taos Box of chocolate

After a week of pushing our minds to the limit- mentally physicially and emotionally drained from over 600 multiple choice questions, 225 of which were a practice were the PACKRAT, of which I knew uh 25? It was about time we spend a weekend pushing the other end of our limits. Matt, Foxy, Kela, Lindsey, packed what felt like 8 days worth of stuff for 8 people into the green weenie, we took off to taos! Jamie, Jami, heather, josh, and candice carpooled behind us, equally as loaded down, the rear trailer hitch riding just above the road, following us on a very convoluted 3.5 hour journey dancing our way throught the drive through at DQ, up the high road to taos and stopping off at the sancutary. Free of the car, and 10 egar bodies, we started playing catch with Eliot's (Foxie's 5 yr old son) nerf ball. We all recognize the raging river beside us- and Michela shouts out "Dont throw it to them if they cant catch" Heather launches it to candice and curplunk! the ball goes straight into the water and takes off down stream- all of us dashing down the riverside trying to reach in for it- heather dashing through weeds and over fences- but the river claimed the first of its victums of the weekend....
soon we would find ourselves just like that foam oblonged ball.. bobbing amongst the rapids...
We set up camp around Beer-thirty. 5 different pods (tents) set themselves up, with the mothership- jamie's million person tent in the middle, to be admired. Food, frisbees, footballs, and friends, and fire filled the afternoon and late into the evening. Dance party. A shit show in the most amazing sense of the phrase.
Strong wind... strong wind... moonlight sleeping on a midnight lake
The wind began to blow and a fine dust found its way on to everything- we didnt notice until 11 when people started falling off and retreating to their tents.
I stayed up- I love the campfire and people begin to fade away, and the last seven of us crack one last beer and keep talking.
In a bit we make our way over to the tents that have been BLOWN AWAY- the once admired big tent is now completely horizantal- flattened by the strong winds, candice and I are sleeping outside and snug ourselves up against the sturdiest tent as a wind block and tune out the immense ruffling of the tents in the wind. By four Am more than half the group has retreated to the cars, and candice is crumpled by my feet. We are all covered with dirt, especially those why didnt put the flap on, and covered with the filtered fine soot that made it through the screen on the tent. Coffee is made, and we make our way over to the rafting meet up spot. Drive way up the river, climb into wetsuits and splash guards and load up on four different boats. Candice, Ben, Lauren, Sophia Tracie and I take the lead and the rest come following- I loved it when our boat was in the back and we could watch as all the little yellow helmets bownced around through the rapids. We went four a 16 mile adventure down the river- keeping our guides as entertained as ever laughing and splashing, falling overboard and shouting commands through class 4 rapids. In the end the river only clamed one boat as victums- flipping it at the very last rapid before we pulled out.
I was exhausted on the ride home, and after laughing hysterically at the DQ lady who was shouting at an unreasonable volume back at lindsey through the intercome, my small reeses blizzard pushing meover the edge into a coma.

Pack. Rat.

I cant say if it was the residual stress, minor but relentless anxiety, or shear excitment for the weekend- but even after not setting an alarm and going to bed when the big and little hand were pointed vertically- I woke up at 5:44, in denial of my unfortunate conciousness I laid restless in my layers of feathers. By 7 I concieted to the day- made my way to the pool and aquajogged the morning away.

9:00 am- Lindseys house. As I walk inside I sigh in releif- because surely I must still be asleep- the place is a dream home. Beatiful wooden floors, vibrent mix of bold and bright colors, and a greenhouse off the master bedroom that has ducts to each room to warm the house during the winter. The kids rooms are straight out of pottery barn. God I want a house.
anyways- plow my way through 225 patient based questions on the packrat. So ok. this seems reasonable- I am a forth of the way though my diadactic training I should be able to get a 25% on the test... a 25% on a 4 answer options multiple choice exam... because of my "training".

Si se puede

Dear friends, It is rare that I am overcome by chills on the way home from a good work out for any reason other than by the cooling of the sweat still nestled in my pores, but tonight I was... by a song playing on the local public radio station. Maybe it was the overwhelming exahstion that comes after burning the midnight oil on both ends for a week with great expectations, or maybe it was the enchanting desert sunset that made the sky glow pinks and purples and gold and has an uncanning ability to put everything back into perspective as it lights up the mountains - but this song struck a cord in me tonight and resonated in the tears I felt swell in my eyes. It was wonderful. It might not have the same effect in anyother circumstances, I just wanted to share. Shits tough, but life is good. I know I am melodramatic, which again comes with a 5:19 ratio of sleep to awake and 1:10 citrate to blood ratio for a coag test (what?), and I am betting you have heard the song. And Ben harper is brilliant. So is obama.

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And that's it, paragraphs of frustration and passive aggressive stories erased. Do good things, make good choices.36 hours- of studying, guard training, breakfastburritoing, painful running, tests, classes, cooking for friends, making up acronyms, missing being asked how my day was and listening to there's, planning sabatoge attacks, worring about seven weeks without a sign, telling jokes, laughing it off, clenching my teeth and biting my toungue.

"Everyday I wake up with the intentions to change the world and have the most fun possible" I love waking up and not knowing what might happen.

I'd say more of a B+

I recap for you the past day starting May 11 at 6 am when my day started and progressing to now, tuesday night- because I am pretty sure if you sleep less than 6 hours it is still considered one day.

Actually shits kinda a blurr, I know I woke up early and studied clinical lab med- no wait wait- ok.... got those marbles back in their jar
5:45am alarm- too early even for renee and steve- set it to "morning mix" dream machine style and headed over the pool, knowing the day would be unbarible without exercise and that the later hours that I would long to spend in the gym or on the trails would be consumed by a workout more mental in nature- though with so many classes and tests in one day, just the trip to the car and to school was a arm workout- watch out Michelle O'bama.
7:30 am, made it to school to get down some coag. and dive right into Physiology lecture, followed by epidemiology, in which I got down some anticoag.
12:00 noon, lunch time, I wrapped up my MAARIE review of the article for med lit... speaking of med lit...
1:00 rousing discussion about the immigrants and health insurance article that was still smoking in my hands, fresh of the press
2:30 pm didnt know what to do for my 2 hour break before the Clinical lab midterm
4:30 pm "YOU DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO SO YOU WENT HOME AND BAKED COOKIES" its true. I went home and baked "Duh, what did you do... STUDY?" ha. I love tracie.
Adam is scribbling all over the chalk board, and writes "epidemiology- save" above it all- hoping to fool scariano to leave it up. Without even acknowledging it, scariano erases it and starts to make is best effort to draw a nephron, and turns around and says I am terrible at this... Lindsey fox volunteers me to draw it for him... I do-
But instead of drawing the glomerulous I draw a flower.
ha!
midterm, eh. Lecture- what?
7:15 candice and I take off to whole foods, grab uh 35 dollars worth of premade deliciousness and snacks and spend the next four hours in UNM library. and that is when I discoverd.. Yerba Matae. Best caffine drug ever.
11:30 make it home. and start work on my spin plan for the class I am subbing, knowing it is going to be a packed class, accustomed to Gary's style, I want my mix to be perfect and well prepared so I can be confident tomorrow. Small anxiety attack- nothing a good peptalk in the mirror couldnt calm for the moment
1:00 am sucumb to the pull of my down comfortors, though not for long. Anxiety clamed my restful Z's and replaced them with a sore jaw from clenching all night and restless legs- hey- it made getting out of bed easier...
6:00 back up and going- hit the ground running
6:30 walmart for some flashcards and snacks
6:45 outside with the warm calm sun and a clear mind and clear table. power through the cardiovascular system, peripheral vascular, abdomen, and thorax
8:30 check in for work open the library, organize the books, and redo the card catalogue sorting system
10:00 am ethics... internet.
12:00 dash to the post office to send of my half.com sale (clutch- later gates!)
1:00 back and in business- getting my murmers and heart sounds down- thank god for bri.
1:15 our leader still hasnt shown up for CPSS- so our group of 5 quizzes eachother somemore before laura comes and completes our case
3:00 Clinical Assessment Midterm- thank god no lecture to follow
5:00 SPIN CLASS- woot woot, IPOD worked, and it was a success!
7:00 out door pool at YMCA is open and I catch the last half hour of laps
8:00 over to Bri's to get down patho phys for tomorrow mornings test. I'll finish my annotated bibliography during ethincs I hope.

Alex is in new mexico- he is picking up a liver. How awsome is that. He also reported how brilliant he was- but the thing is I already knew. I called up a classmate who is in the know with all that happens at UNM, and she gave me the scoop on where to go and who to talk to in order to get in and catch him for that minute during hand off- but alas... foiled as he went to silver city.... oye vey.

Home now and tuckered the fuckerd out. But this is what I do. I will sleep when I die. And I am happy to be exhausted and overwhelmed- biting off more than I can chew and doing my best to swallow. Doing my best to keep things in perspective of what makes me happy, I wont end up with the best test scores... but I am handling being a TA, a PA student, training for a marathon, teaching spin courses, making fabulous meals, writing letters, sending packages, Blog, read,developing relationships, and matching my clothing- what more do you want of me. 4.0? top 10 percentile? not going to happen. I'll take the B+

the motherland.

It's mother's day.
And on public radio this morning they were playing themed music, and the playlist included
"use a napkin, not your mother"
and "mom is not my real name"
and after yesterdays pool experience... I am keeping my legs crossed for a while- the only three letter name I will respond to is Liz.

Anyway, woke up to a phone call from Alex, which was nice and got me moving, out to flying star with a cup of coffee (decaff so I can drink like 7 free refills...) A bunch of moms out here at the cafe one guy is scribbling away at a card while his daughter points at things. The women next to me is celebrating her 56th mother's day.

ok have to buckle down, midterms in less than 24 hours. Barf.

Beneath the surface

Yesterday.

Stiff yoga, rocked the gym.

I'm cranking out 100 crunches on the incline board and the ol' guy says "cute"

I said I dont want to be cute I want to be tough

He said no you want to be cute.

otherwise unremarkable morning.

Studied my butt off all day, an episode of house over lunch, laid out on my balcony during noon day sun, booked a flight and saved some money on my SW flight- su-wooop!

Pool was a zoo. really- and the animals couldnt stayin their cages- people were bobbing through lanes, the water was foggy with the grime of children. One of my favorite things to do when the pool is at its apex of chaos (its nader of conditions) is to duck under the water, its dense waves blocking the squeels and shreiks and just look out- millions of little kicking feet, splashes, air bubbles fighting their way to the surface. So much better under the surface.

YMCA water instructor/lifeguard training- yup might be teaching swim lessons, aqua aerobics and guarding- wasnt sold on the even until the head guard walked out- what a dream boat. And the other kids are fun a couple of high schoolers, love them, even though they didnt even know what the elementary back stroke- or the side stroke was!

Unbelievable sunset- steller really.

Studied at Bri's (which always really helps- I was so focused, and she hooked me up with a study guide!) but hence why I am writing yesterdays entry today. Just how it flows.

tuckered the fuckered out

Patient: USF class of 2011
CC: Ulcers, alopecia, unintended wt change
We have lost three students out of our 30 person class
4 relationships have ended
1 person engaged and another with a ring in his pocket.

Diagnosis? A freaking tough program.
Treatment?
Prognonsis?

and we are all tuckered the fuckered out.

Anyway- another rousing monring of renee and steve. Missed lap swim time again, but pulled it together with enough time to print off my epi notes from school and walk the 2.5 miles to UNM library for class at 9 am. Evidence based med..i...c..i...na..na nah. Some pubmed search skills.

What was better was cop'n out of the walk back in 85 degree noonday sun to go get whichwhich sandwhiches with the girls. I messed up the bag- but that was because it was my first time there- I mean it was understandable right?

Quiz in epi-derm-ology (yup macules and nodules) just kidding. It went fine. And then I got to do a lil work for loretta- sliced up some old preceptor manuals and watched a security video to see who hit tracie's car and ran- and you wont believe it, it was the mail man! haha! justice is served.

After school and work I took a little time to veg, gather my thoughts- and completely miss out on my work out- good thing I got a walk in this morning, and then again this afternoon as I sucame to my guilt.

Jessica's house was so wonderful- a real matching house- a wonderful dinner and great conversation. I was sucking out all the cultural perspective and situational knowledge I could get from my indian friends (the feather kind not the dot- as they said) Wrapped it up with a bottle of pinotage and 4 long lectures on pulmonary, cardiac, peripheral vascular and abdominal exams.

Hold on.

Whelp. Another day, another dollar. Spent. On a pair of gold peace hoops, and 2 bike tubes, and a large ice tea to help resolidify my melted body.

My friendly alarm clock this morning woke me up to OBAMA. OBAMA (that is how it is said, even in france according to david sedaris. Barr-ak-lipse) is coming to albuquerque. that's neat. I probably wont make it out to see OBAMA but it is neat that OBAMA is going to come discuss renewable energy.

I could used a little energy renovation myself. Slept through lap swim- but got myself to class on time. A morning of jabbing eachothers abdomen and diagnosing everyone with spleenomegaly, rampent abnormal bowel movement and an absence liver and kidneys. Put me in coach, I am ready to play.

At lunch I headed over to renew my school books at UNM med library. The guy accidentally returned them and preceded to cart them, and looked at me strangely as I stood there. "Can I... err.. help you with anything else?" he asked. Yea you can give me back my books. "Oh did I say return I meant renew" ooo right. great. anyway good thing is turns out I had returned my ethics book, that I searched all over for to renew today and thought I had lost. My room is again a mess- but I least all my shit is accounted for. Including my Itouch which I thought I had lost and posted a sign on the whitebored for.
Headecd to target- swooped a sweet pair of huge distressed gold peace sign hoops- I was debating on whether or not they were worth the 9.99- which they definately were, but worth the additional .07 in sales tax? allllright, just because I want to wear them home with my western boots, cowgirl hat and cut offs- mom will be so errr proud. Ha!

Stamps are up to a wopping 44 cents. So I stopped by the post office and watched as the woman infront of me bought over 150 stamps- of all varieties- freedom stamps, simpson stamps, 2 cent stamps, 17 cent stamps- it was amazing. I just grabbed one book of each (from the lady- she'll never notice!) and ran. just playen. dropped two more post cards in the mail. more mother's day wishes.

After school I drapped up my balcony and absorbed the amazing albuquerque sun, surrendering my pale skin in exchange for a more leathered wrinkled and freckled version. 90 degrees. yup I am in the desert. I did have to carefully place 5 sheets of paper to protect myself and my blankets from bird poop outcroppings. nasty.

Went to meet stephanie to wrap up this whole employement thing. I love the Y. I walk in and she is wearing her bikini top and a lifegaurd shirt. "I had an adult outfit on I swear" she says- looking back at me with a halter/tank combo on myself. "O your going to be great with the old people- finish up your lifeguard certs" she says. Nancy passes over a pile of papers for me and goes to make copies of my certs and IDs. "How about a mommy and me class- what a good dynamic- you'll be great" Stephanie goes on. "Stephanie- you have never even met me how do you know all these things"- "oh its the Y, this is just what we do- I tell you you'll be great and you will- easy as that"
So with an arm full of papers and a drug screening to complete I head out unsure if I had just commited to a slew of classes. Regardless I will be at life guard cert classes saturday with stephanie. Bring out your over weight, injured and elderly. Water aerobics and water therapy here I come.

Man what am I doing in PA school. I want to be a programs director for somewhere like the Y or for a university. This is fun. I suck at writing soap notes and remembering what to look for or what tests indicate. I dont even feel like reading about all of these things, I dont want to learn it. Well I kinda do- I just want them to slow the fuck down. I want out. But I cant afford to fail- so I will keep up the good fight. for now. PA elisabeth rec director and baker. I guess it would be kinda neat to work at a planned parenthood, work with young women, education - something tells me I will be pushed into some big practice though...

I made a half tray of brownies today- I love how it fills the house with a warm sweet scent of success. So what if I already ate the frosting on graham crackers- it makes my 1.99 brownie mix basically a two for one deal.

Alright. 4:30, and I now stand at a cross road. Do I high tail it to pee in a cup. Or do I stay hear and study epidemiology for tomorrow's test, and hit up pee pee palace in the morning- but that might sacrifice my swim- and yet I also want to get the most bang for my buck out of my flying star iced tea, hence stay and drink three more free refills. regardless spin is at 5:30, weight lifting at 6:30 and yoga at 7:15.

I cant stop thinking about the cannondale mountain bike I just saw. The little dude working was just like grandpa richard- old guy, short with glasses, but mostly because he wanted to explain to me the physics of the suspension. I am pretty much sold on the cannondales- except they didnt have the one I wanted in my size. hold out.

Holding out. holding on. Holding my head up high.

Sies de Mayo

Renee Montagene and Steve Inskeep woke me up this morning at 8 am. I roll over and look at the one pair of brown cotton pants bundles on the floor, the same pair that has been there for the past three days. I dont want to move them, and generally take a small leap over them into my closet as to avoid the potential spider that might still be lurking beneath the folds. I stare at the shelf of warn out cotton and unwashed jeans- I love casual day. I pulled down the tie dye shirt jess gave me to wear to class after my swim. I figure it is legit considering my physiology prof wears a nice white collared button down each day- that he himself has tie-dyed and perhaps warn a few dozen times past its expiration date. I shove the items into my trusty timbuck2 and head out to sandia pool, still bra-less in my PJ's- at least my teeth are brushed. Steve and Renee join me again in the car on the way to Los Altos pool. What a beautiful morning. Feels like the extension of the previous nights sunset. Enchanting. 50 degrees now, estimated to be 85 by the afternoon, I pull my things out of the trunk rummaging past a dried up milk bowl and a reflex hammer to find my goggles and dodge into the locker room and out to the pool hoping to catch an hour of laps before school. Lucky for me a lady is attempting to beach her self, pulling out of a lane just as I walk in. I jump in and breast stroke, aqua jog and kick my way through the morning, casually racing the finned man in the lane next to me. They all have snorkels and fins- what is going on. I am tempted to drift down to the bottom of the pool beneath them- just so they have something to look at- I mean I look almost tropical in my new blue and lime green suit. With my nostrils burning after inhaling a little too much water, and my throat parched I head back to the locker room. Sherry was showering when I came in- always up for a chat that sherry. "too cool too cool"
Seeing as my hair is always wet and slightly dreaded at this point I invested in some mouse. What they dont tell you is that unlike whipped cream, mouse continues to expand on your hand once you have squirted it out of the can. what I thought was a blob the size of my palm expanded and engulfed the entirety of my hand. with my hair now plastered I rinse my hand of the excess foam and jump back into the car to hear Steve and renee- this time on repeat. I flip through the four programed stations. Hip hop- "kiss me through the phone" next Classsic rock aka ACDC or scorpion, pop repeat playlist from an hour ago, and country. God bless texas. At the stop light I make an effort to watch the light as I cock my neck to see myself in the rear view mirror and put on crest white strips, the little gooballs smearing around my large almost pearly whites. At school I am careful to keep my smiles to a minimum as I still have 12 minutes before I can take off the strips and only 10 minutes until class starts. I am very sneaky and pull them off with out noticing, but what the box doesnt tell you is that it leaves behind this thick gooey film- and that is what makes it awkward as I run my index finger over my teeth and try to spit the excess into a tissue. Phew. 8:15 am.
my stomach is growling- during break I make a cereal parfait out of the three different kinds of cereal I have stashed in the break room- a layer of cheerios, a layer of granola, a layer of rice krispies- another layer of granola and cheerios- soy milk and a cherry please!
Gets me through pathophys. aaand I am hungry again- good thing tracie is next to me with a cheek full of seeds and a cup full of shells. Professional huh. eh. I'm only 22 what can you expect.
Ethics drags by- we sneak out to the parkinglot during our 10 minute break which we inadvertently make 15 minutes by playing a quick game of basketball- just trying to avoid vitamin D deficiency.
Back in the classroom for another grueling, drooling hour of ethics- listing to convoluted personal unethical stories from our past her prime prof. happens. still havent finished my assignment that was due at 10am this morning.
Wuhooo lunch. aaannooother bowl of cereal coming up! man do I eat a lot.
During lunch I made a run to my favorite stationary store and score a great card for mother's day along with some witty and wonderful post cards.
And baaack to class. Public health. At least I did well on the quiz, which is more than I can say about the patho quiz. barf. I play m&m squish with matt and decide whether the first m&m to crack suffered from a compound or simple fracture. just so you know orange is the weakest shell.
We watched Sicko today- I dont know how I feel about micheal moores films, I understand they are biased and one sided and meant for a reaction but they just kinda get me a little paranoid and frustrated.
I swung by the post office to mail mom's card swooped by my house for a brownie and back to school for clinical lab med- what freaking time is it now? 5 and still at school. Scariano man- what a freaking awesome prof. He told us about some helpful case studies online "consider it a gift- just call me santa clause, forget about Dr Scariano, just call me santa clause, or sometimes the easter bunny, but that already passed" hahah.
he told us the latest word from the gurus- and at 7:01 after squeezing in one last coag diagram set us free.
Beautiful evening- really. Despite my ITBS i headed over to the trails- I love warm desert nights. again. enchanting. The air felt good ( I did make an effort to charge my dead ipod- in a rush to catch the sunset it only gave me 17 minutes of play time, shame too, I have this new world music podcast I had downloaded and seemed so fitting for the evening) aaannyway.
Got home ate the last of the cookie dough ice cream while watching the end of "how to loose a guy in ten days" which I had been working my way through for the past ten days.
Chatted with Alex- who was praised by his attending physician and resident- it is a good thing to be recognized for your hard work and talent and I have never met someone as rich in intelligence, and as good natured as Alex. And it is true at the end of long days feeling overwhelmed by the expectations on me by my school and myself that are impossible to live up to, I am sometimes overwhelmed by his abilities because it can be a lot to be around someone so impressive and smart and together- but I had a really nice conversation with E- and she put things back into perspective, and shared with me about the neat things she has wandered her way into with a strong stride and head up and arms extending out to the world.
Ok. I can feel the salt on my arms from the sweat still nestled in my pores, my eyes are a little droopy from exhaustion, and my heart anxious about the upcoming week. But I am happy as a clam- and for that I say cheers and good night!

Land of Entrapment

New Mexico. You get me everytime.

one second I hear the crackle of thunder and a burst of lightning, the next morning I wake up to snow dusted balcony, and that same afternoon I am hiking in the warm sun. Bravo.

Hand me a sopapilla, light up a luminario and pass the green chile.

I have bought into it all, a pair of distressed red western boots and brown wicker cowboy hat. Dry leathered skin and a cactus out back.

I went to david sedaris last night. An absolute treat. and to really compliment the experience I went with Lindsey fox and her neighborhood crew. What a group- really. I was talking to one women who was also a UCSD alum and came back to New mexico- land of entrapment she said- something about it. Granted she also makes monthly day trips to SD for a beach day.

ok homework. I have more to share. cya tonight